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General Jokes | Accordion Jokes | Bagpipe Jokes | Banjo Jokes | Bass Jokes | Bass Upright Jokes | Brass Jokes | Cello Jokes | Clarinet Jokes | Conductors Jokes
Drums Jokes | Jokes by Genre | Guitar Jokes | Keyboard & Piano Jokes
Mixed Music Jokes | Recording & Sound Jokes | Reed Jokes | Singers Jokes | Songwriting Jokes | Strings Jokes | Music Joke Sites | Thanks & Credits

animated jester

Our very own general jokes site courtesy of Jokes Galore.
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Musician Jokes

Thanks to Jane for these great musician jokes

A guitar player and a drummer are walking down the street.
They walk past this bar.............................. well, it could happen.

Q: What's the definiton of Perfect Pitch?
A: When you toss a banjo into a dumpster and it hits an accordion.

Q: How do you know when there's a harmonica player at the door?
A: He doesn't have the key, he just comes in whenever the hell he feels like it.

Q: What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?
A: Homeless!

Q: What do you call 1,695 violins at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!


Conductors

Conductor: A musician who is adept at following many people at the same time.

Q: If Hitler, Stalin and a conductor all walked into the room in which you were standing, and you had a gun but only two bullets, who would you shoot first?
A: The conductor...twice.

Q: Why are conductors' hearts so coveted for transplants?
A: They've had so little use.

Q: What does a good conductor weigh?
A: 28 ounces, not counting the urn.

We know a guy who was so dumb his teacher gave him two sticks and he became a drummer but then lost one and became a conductor.

Q: If you throw a conductor and a violist off a tall building, who'll hit the ground first?
A: Who cares?

Q: What's the difference between a bull and a symphony orchestra?
A: The bull has the horns in front and the ass in the back.

Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a conductor?
A: A Doberman.

Q: What do all great conductors have in common?
A: They're all dead.

Q: A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. which one do you run over first, and why?
A: The conductor. Business before pleasure.

Q: What do you have when a group of conductors are up to their necks in wet concrete?
A: Not enough concrete.

Q: Did you hear about the planeload of conductors en route to the European Festival?
A: The good news: it crashed.
A: The bad news: there were three empty seats on board.

Q: What's the difference between a symphony conductor and Dr Scholl's footpads?
A: Dr Scholl's footpads buck up the feet.

Q: What's the difference between a pig and a symphony orchestra conductor?
A: There are some things a pig just isn't willing to do.

Q: What's the difference between God and a conductor?
A: God knows He's not a conductor.

Q: What's the definition of an assistant conductor?
A: A mouse trying to become a rat.

Q: What's the difference between alto clef and Greek?
A: Some conductors actually read Greek.

A musician calls the symphony office to talk to the conductor. "I'm sorry,he's dead," comes the reply.

The musician calls back 25 times, always getting the same reply from the receptionist. At last she asks him why he keeps calling. "I just like to hear you say it." Q: A cornet player and a conductor are standing in the middle of the road. Which one do you run over first?
A: The conductor - business before pleasure!

Q: What's the difference between a high school choral director and a chimpanzee?
A: It's scientifically proven that chimpanzees are able to communicate with humans.

Q: Did you hear about the band director that got zapped by electricity?
A: Yeah! He must have been a good conductor!

Q: If you drop a conductor and a watermelon off a tall building, which will hit the ground first?
A: Who cares?



Genres

Q: What does it say on a blues singer's tombstone?
A: "I didn't wake up this morning..."

Q: What happens if you play blues music backwards?
A: Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.

Q: What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
A: New Age music.

Q: How many bluegrass musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one...but the rest of the band stands around and complains about it being electric.

Q: How many Deadheads does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 12,001. One to change it, 2,000 to record the event and take pictures of it, and 10,000 to follow it around until it burns out.

Q: How many punk-rock musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead.

Q: Know how to make a million dollars singing jazz?
A: Start with two million.

Q: How many jazz musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Jazz musicians can't afford light bulbs.  "Don't worry about the changes. We'll fake it!"

A jazz musician dies and goes to heaven. He is told "Hey man, welcome! You have been elected to the Jazz All-Stars of Heaven--right up there with Satchmo, Miles, Django, all the greats. We have a gig tonight. Only one problem--God's girlfriend gets to sing."

Q: How do you turn a duck into a soul artist?
A: Put it in the oven until it's Bill Withers.



Mixed

Music: A complex organizations of sounds that is set down by the composer, incorrectly interpreted by the conductor, who is ignored by the musicians, the result of which is ignored by the audience.

Musica ficta: When you lose your place and have to bluff until you find it again.

Michael Caine walks up to Milton Berle during a party and asks, "What kind of cigar are you smoking there?"
"It's a Lawrence Welk." says Milton.
"What's a Lawrence Welk?" Michael asks.
Milton says "It's a piece of crap with a band wrapped around it."

The girl singer, not being smart enough to use birth control, says to her saxophonist lover, "Honey, I think you better pull out now."
He replies, "Why? Am I sharp?"

A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I think I'd like to be a musician."
She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."

Q: What do you call a group of lesbians with guns?
A: Militia Etheridge.

Q: How do you stop the spread of a deadly disease?
A: Let BMG distribute it.

Q: Why did the clarinet player marry the accordion player?
A: Upward mobility.

Q: What's the difference between an oboe and a bassoon?
A: You can hit a baseball further with a bassoon.

Q: How many reggae musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Light bulb? We spent da' money on spliffs, mon!

Q: What's the difference between a musician and a pizza pie?
A: The pizza can feed a family of four.

Q: How many Musician jokes are there?
A: Just one -- all the rest are true!!

Q:What's the difference between a musician and a mutual fund?
A:The mutual fund eventually matures and earns money.

Q: Why do musicians have to be awake by six o'clock?
A: Because most shops close by six thirty.

Q: What would a musician do if he won a million dollars?
A: Continue to play gigs until the money ran out.

Q: What's the difference between a conductor and a stagecoach driver?
A: The stagecoach driver only has to look at four horses' asses.

There were two people walking down the street. One was a musician. The other didn't have any money either.

Q: What happened to Bach after he had 20 children?
A: His Organ Baroque!

Q: Why did Bach have so many children?
A: His organ had no stops.

Q: What did Mozart recently say to a noisy visitor?
A: "Shhhh! I'm decomposing!"

Q: What do you get when you cross a music critic with a bowling ball?
A: A bowling ball that wouldn't know a good performance if it heard one.

Q: What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
A: Homeless.

Q: How are musicians like linoleum?
A: Lay them good once and you can walk on them forever.

Q: Generally speaking, how late does a band play?
A: About two beats behind the drummer.

Q: What will it take to reunite The Beatles?
A: Three more bullets.

Q: What would Jerry Garcia be doing, if he were alive today?
A: Clawing at the lid of his coffin.

Q: What was the last thing to go through Kurt Cobain's mind?
A: His teeth.

Q: What were Kurt Cobain's last words?
A: "Hole is really going to be big."

Q: What's the definition of a gentleman?
A: Someone who knows how to play the oboe but doesn't.

Q: What's the difference between a musician and a bond? A: Eventually a bond matures and earns money.

A man holding a pet boa constrictor walks into a night club to get a drink and sits next to a blind man. He orders a drink and water for his buddy (the boa). The blind man says, "Hey, no one drinks water at the bar." The boa's owner smiles and replies, "My buddy does." The blind man replies, "I gotta meet you guys." He reaches over to the other man and touches his face. He says "Round, Beard, & Brows - you're a 30 year old Irish man". Next, he reaches over the the boa and touches it's face. He says, "Slimey, Scaley, & Cold. You must be the club owner".

Saint Peter is checking ID's at the Pearly Gates. He asks a man, "What did you do on Earth?" The man says, "I was a doctor." St. Peter says, "Ok, go right through those pearly gates. Next! What did you do on Earth?" "I was a school teacher." "Go right through those pearly gates. Next! And what did you do on Earth?" "I was a musician." "Go around the side, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen..."



Recording & Sound

Q: How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "One, two, three, one, two, three..."

A: "Hey man, I just do sound."

A: One. Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, repairs it with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw mount to bayonet mount, finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb fifty feet from where it should have been, to the satisfaction of the rest of the band.



Singers/Vocalists

Vibrato: Used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.

Q: How many Boy Bands does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: We don't know - lightbulbs last longer than most Boy Bands!

Q: What's the first thing a girl singer does in the morning?
A: Puts on her clothes and goes home.

Q: What's the next thing a soprano does in the morning?
A: Looks for her instrument.

Q: How does a young man become a member of a high school chorus?
A: On the first day of school he turns into the wrong classroom.

Q: How do you put a sparkle in a female singers's eye?
A: Shine a flashlight in her ear.

Q: What's the difference between a Female Singer and a Porsche?
A: Most musicians have never been in a Porsche.

Q: If you threw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first?
A: The violist. The soprano would have to stop halfway down to ask directions.
A: Who cares?

Q: What's the difference between a soprano and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Q: What's the difference between a soprano and a pirhana?
A: The lipstick.

Q: What's the difference between a soprano and a pit bull?
A: The jewelry.

Q: How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
A: Two. One to hold the diet cola and the other to get her accompanist to do it.
A: Four. One to change the bulb and three to pull the chair out from under her.

Q: What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and the average All-Pro offensive lineman?
A: Stage makeup.

Q: What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a Wagnerian Tenor?
A: About 10 pounds.

Q: How is a soubrette different from a sewer rat?
A: Some people actually like sewer rats.

Q: What is the difference between a soubrette and a cobra?
A: One is deadly poisonous, and the other is a reptile.

Q: How do you tell if a Wagnerian soprano is dead?
A: The horses seem very relieved.

Q: What's the definition of an alto?
A: soprano who can sightread.

Q: What's the difference between an alto and a tenor?
A: Tenors don't have hair on their backs.

Q: How many altos does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None. They can't get that high.
A: Two; one to screw it in and the other to say, "Isn't that a little high for you?"

Q: How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to change the bulb and three to bitch that they could have done it if they had the high notes.

Q: What do you see if you look up a soprano's skirt?
A: A tenor.

Q: How do you tell if a tenor is dead?
A: The wine bottle is still full and the comics haven't been touched.

Q: Where is a tenor's resonance?
A: Where his brain should be.

Q: What's the definition of a male quartet?
A: Three men and a tenor.

Q: What is the difference between the men's final at Wimbledon and a high school choral performance?
A: The tennis final has more men.

Q: What is the difference between a world war and a high school choral performance?
A: The performance causes more suffering.

Q: Why do high school choruses travel so often?
A: Keeps assassins guessing.

Q: What's the definition of an optimist?
A: A choral director with a mortgage.

Q: What is the difference between a high school choral director and a chimpanzee?
A: It's scientifically proven that chimpanzees are able to communicate with humans.

Q: How are sopranos defying the laws of astrophysics?
A: The center of the universe shifts with every step they take.

Q: Why can't many vocalists get through the door?
A: They either can't find the key or don't know when to come in.

Q: What's the difference between a dressmaker and an alto?
A: The dressmaker tucks up the frills.

Q: What do you see when you look up an alto's dress?
A: A tenor.

Q: What's the difference between a singer and a toilet?
A: A toilet doesn't follow you around after you use it.

Q: How do you know if a singer is at the front door?
A: She can't find her key.
A: They don't know when to come in and can't find the key.

Q: What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and an average all-pro offensive lineman?
A: Stage makeup.

Q: Why are soprano jokes all one-liners?
A: So tenors can understand them.

Q: How many basses does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They're so macho they prefer to walk in the dark and bang their shins.

Q: How does a young man become a member of a high school chorus?
A: On the first day of school he turns into the wrong classroom.

Q: How many country & western singers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change the bulb and two to sing about the old one.

Songwriters

Q: What's the difference between a puppy and a singer-songwriter?
A: Eventually the puppy stops whining.



Singer & Musician & General Jokes Sites

Animations, Caricatures, Cartoons & Humour
Music related humour and celebrity caricatures at Electric Blues Club

ActiveBass Vocalist Jokes
A plethora of jokes about singers and musicians!!

Instrument & Musician Jokes
tons more jokes about singers and musicians!!

The Idiot File
Real Idiots, True Stories & Free Stuff

The Most Embarrassing Moment of My Life
Embarrassing true stories that happened on blind dates, during sex, at work, and in college. Very funny!

Music Jokes
a selection of musicians jokes and music glossary.......ish!!

Music & Musicians Jokes
at Music And Audio

Famous Quotes & Quotations
Tons of top 10 quotes including music, inspirational, famous people, love, friendship, humour, patriotic, success, leadership, birthday, graduation, movie and sports.

Silly Quotes
Quotes from a variety of sources and in a range of subjects including Music, Literature, Computers, Politics & More!

Thanks & Acknowledegements

Thanks to Janet for sending a selection she received from Dean Friedman, Jane Rees, The Head Idiot and all ye anonymous contributors - Thanks!